The CR Show (Satire, or is it?)
December 21, 2024
The air in Washington was thick with tension as the clock ticked down to the deadline for passing the continuing resolution (CR). Republicans, with their usual flair for drama, had managed to turn what should have been a straightforward process into a political soap opera of epic proportions. The stakes were high, the rhetoric even higher, and the outcome? Well, let’s just say it didn’t go quite as planned.
The Republican Party, ever the masters of brinkmanship, found themselves in a familiar position: holding the government hostage to their own demands. This time, however, they seemed to have forgotten one crucial detail, how to actually govern. The CR was supposed to keep the government funded and avoid a shutdown, but instead, it became a battlefield for infighting, grandstanding, and, ultimately, humiliation.
Leading the charge, or perhaps the retreat, was President-elect Elon Musk, who, despite not technically being in office yet, had somehow managed to insert himself into the process. Musk, ever the disruptor, had teamed up with his loyal assistant and hype man, Donald Trump, to push for a shutdown that they claimed would "cleanse the swamp" and "free the people from tyranny," whatever that meant. Trump, naturally, threw in an extra demand: abolish the debt ceiling entirely. After all, how else could the government afford the tax breaks for billionaires he and Musk were so eager to see?
But alas, their grand plan to bring Washington to its knees was foiled, not by the Republicans’ strategic prowess, mind you, but by sheer incompetence. As the deadline loomed, it became clear that the GOP couldn’t even agree on what they wanted in the CR. Some wanted deep spending cuts, others wanted to fund their pet projects, and a particularly vocal faction wanted to include language banning electric stoves, because apparently, that’s a thing now. The resulting chaos was less House of Cards and more House of Clowns.
Meanwhile, the Democrats, watching this debacle unfold from the sidelines, must have felt like they were living in a sitcom. It was almost too easy. All they had to do was sit back, let the Republicans implode, and then swoop in to save the day. And that’s exactly what they did. In a move that can only be described as both magnanimous and deeply satisfying, the Democrats provided the votes needed to pass the CR, effectively bailing out their rivals and keeping the government open.
The irony, of course, was not lost on anyone. For weeks, Republicans had been railing against the "radical left" and accusing Democrats of being fiscally irresponsible. Yet here they were, relying on those same Democrats to do what they couldn’t: govern. It was like watching a group project in high school where the overconfident kid who insisted on being the leader ends up begging the quiet straight-A student for help at the last minute.
And what of Musk and Trump, the self-proclaimed architects of the shutdown-that-wasn’t? Well, let’s just say they didn’t take the loss gracefully. Musk, true to form, fired off a series of increasingly unhinged tweets, accusing everyone from George Soros to the ghost of FDR of sabotaging his master plan. Trump, for his part, took to his social media platform to declare the CR a "TOTAL DISASTER" and claim that he had actually been against the shutdown all along, despite, you know, all evidence to the contrary.
The fallout within the Republican Party was immediate and brutal. New Speaker Mike Johnson, who had been handed the gavel after Kevin McCarthy’s unceremonious ousting, found himself in a no-win situation. Johnson had spent weeks trying to keep his fractious caucus in line, only to watch it implode spectacularly. The moderates blamed the hardliners, the hardliners blamed the moderates, and everyone blamed Johnson, because why not? By the end of it, Johnson was practically begging Democrats for help, which, let’s be honest, must have been a humbling experience for someone who had once championed the very chaos now consuming his party.
And then there was the tax break debacle. Trump’s demand to abolish the debt ceiling so billionaires could enjoy even more tax cuts was met with a mix of disbelief and derision, particularly when it came to light that part of the plan involved slashing millions from pediatric cancer research to help pay for it. Yes, you read that right—children battling cancer were apparently less deserving of funding than Musk’s dream of a luxury rocket to Mars or Trump’s latest golf course. Even some Republicans balked at the idea, though they were careful to couch their objections in vague terms like “optics” or “public relations disaster,” rather than outright admitting they’d finally stumbled upon a moral line they couldn’t cross. Musk, meanwhile, doubled down, suggesting the billions saved by the ultra-rich could be invested in his latest venture: a Martian colony for those disillusioned with Earth’s politics. “Why fix the swamp when you can escape it?” he tweeted, alongside a rendering of a luxury space resort.
The Democrats, of course, had a field day with all of this. President Biden, never one to pass up a zinger, quipped that if Musk and Trump wanted to avoid a shutdown so badly, they should have just funded the government out of their own pockets. "Elon could sell a Tesla or two," he joked, "and Don could hold another one of his golf tournaments. Problem solved." Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer chimed in, calling the GOP’s handling of the CR “a masterclass in how not to govern” and thanking his colleagues for stepping in to “save the country from a Musk-Trump meltdown.”
In the end, the CR passed, the government stayed open, and the country avoided yet another self-inflicted crisis. But the episode left a lasting impression, not just on the Republicans’ reputation but on the broader state of American politics. It was a reminder of just how dysfunctional things have become, of how easily ideology can trump (pun intended) practicality, and of how, sometimes, the best way to win is to let your opponent beat themselves.
As for Musk and Trump, their attempted coup-by-shutdown may have failed, but something tells me they’re not done yet. Musk has already hinted at a new plan involving blockchain-based governance, and Trump is reportedly exploring the idea of launching his own private government, complete with MAGA passports and a gold-plated Air Force One. Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned from this entire fiasco, it’s that when it comes to these two, the line between reality and parody is razor thin.
So, here’s to the Republicans, for proving once again that sometimes the greatest obstacles to their own agenda are themselves. Here’s to the Democrats, for stepping in to clean up the mess, even if it meant getting their hands dirty. And here’s to Musk and Trump, for reminding us all that no matter how bad things get, we can always count on them to make it worse.
